The following post is a huge generalization, I know, but nevertheless speaks about the overall trend.
Something that happens all the time to me is random strangers coming up to tell me to put warmer clothes on my kids. Which I just sort of ignore. But then a lot of Egyptian women that I know do the same thing. Haram! they say, put more clothes on her, she'll get sick. And I see the "what a terrible mom" look in their eyes.
Or the other thing they will do is say "Bravo,.... bravo!" to my 3 year old because she finished all her cake! Now I ask you, who actually wants children to finish all their cake? I see parents here force-feeding cake to their kids. Not only do they over stuff them with food (little piggy syndrome), but they stuff them with things like cake! And actually scold the poor kid when he says he doesn't want anymore. "Oh but look at your brother! He's eating his cake!" (nevermind that he is 4 years old and weighs 75kg).
So basically the two measures of a good mom in Egypt are that you bundle your kids up (sometimes even in the height of summer) and you stuff your kids full of any food you can get your hands on (the more samna and sugar the better apparently). What are we raising here? Fat overheated piggies? Is taking care of two physical needs all there is to being a parent? (I say two because other physical needs are left by the wayside, like sleep -- witness the kids falling asleep in the morning on their school buses and in their classrooms). No, the measures of being a good mom are limited to stuffing and bundling.
So what about moral and mental development? It seems like this is not even on anyone's minds at all. Mothers are continually lying to their kids, and everyone who takes care of them does the same. When people try to lie to my kids my husband (yes Egyptian) and I make them stop. Telling their kids "if you finish your cake we will buy you a toy gun", is just one of those everyday lies that parents tell their kids. Poor kid stuffs his face with the cake thinking he's going to get the toy gun, except then it turns out mom wasn't planning to get it afterall. Little wonder that next time this ploy doesn't work so well. And the saddest part of it is this poor, eager, enthusiastic kid loses his trust in mom (and everyone else). All simply so that he would finish his cake (or put on his coat, or stop crying). "Stop crying, dear, your mom is coming right now." Except mom is not coming right now and everyone knows it.
Why is it that this kind of lying goes by without a comment? Isn't moral training the most important part of raising a child? Why does it take such a back seat? We've all been at playgrounds where a kid is hogging the swing. Except his mother doesn't tell him to get off and let another kid have a turn. Oh, no, she wants her child to learn selfishness and complete lack of respect for others. I have had arguments with people that won't give up the swing. The parents actually think they are fighting for their child's "rights"! And then you wonder why grown Egyptians can't stand in a line, why they actually push their way to the front and take everything they can get without any regard for human decencies like taking turns, or even giving anyone a little space.
I'll tell you why. It's because parents value the basic physical needs of their children and forget that their children are human, and need to be trained in morals and behaviour (not to mention mental training).
But nevermind all that -- I'm a BAD mom because I don't make my kids finish their cake.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Nobility or abasement
One thing that makes my blood boil is when a woman gets assaulted people ask what she was wearing. That's what people actually ask here in Egypt all the time. Some even go so far as to blame the woman for being out of the house, if she was covered from head to toe. There's always got to be something wrong with the woman, it's somehow always her fault that a man couldn't control himself.
This is what's wrong with Egyptian society in my view. I am differentiating completely here from Islam. No, I'm talking about the culture and society. The difference is night and day. One calls people to nobility, self-control and decency. The other calls them to the lowest abasement and depravity.
I actually sometimes feel sorry for all the men here (when I am not boiling at them). I think, my God, these men never even had the chance to develop self-control. Nobody ever taught them that it could be possible. As a result they become complete captives of their sexual lusts. They are raised from day one to somehow think that their sexual appetites are something that are impossible to control, and in any case shouldn't be controlled. It may have been different in the past, and this may not be what parents are directly teaching their boys, but that's the message they are getting.
And therefore, women should stay inside. You see it's their own fault if they go in the street and get attacked, because men have no self-control. But even this "solution" misses the deep dark secret that many Egyptian girls and women are being molested by their own male family members. They don't even have to go outside. So, what's a woman to do then? Obviously, there is no end to this problem by putting the blame on women. Where else can they go, how much more can they cover, how much further away can they hide themselves? Men will still get to them and abuse them no matter what, so long as men believe that self-control is not their own responsibility.
Are their animal desires completely masters of them? Do you not find this a sad thing? What a piteous state for these men to be ensnared in. Do you not think so? Every ounce of humanity is stripped from them because their animal desires are allowed to run rampant, and not just rampant but the fires of it are being fueled on a regular basis (yes, I'm talking about porn, which almost every Egyptian man is addicted to). These men are so consumed by the baser nature of man that they have lost their dignity and even the right to be called human.
I do think it is very grave. And I do feel sad for the men. I wonder if they had been taught that they can control their urges (just like most of us are potty trained and so on), then they actually might. It's this insidious belief that creeps in and has spread that men are not able to control themselves, so they don't. And I think when you have let yourself live out of the bounds of control for so long, it's not an easy thing to learn.
This does not mean I don't believe in modesty. But the thing is, modesty is a matter of intention and motive. Modesty is not what you're wearing, or covering your head or staying at home. Everyone knows that a veil will not stop a woman from seducing a man if that is her intention. Even a woman in a full black veil still puts eyeliner on and can still walk sexy and try to be a sexual object. So, it's completely irrelevant what she's wearing. If she is meaning to be decent, and that is her pure intention, then that's what counts. And that's all she is answerable to God for. But the men, are they not accountable too? Does this thought never cross their minds?
This is what's wrong with Egyptian society in my view. I am differentiating completely here from Islam. No, I'm talking about the culture and society. The difference is night and day. One calls people to nobility, self-control and decency. The other calls them to the lowest abasement and depravity.
I actually sometimes feel sorry for all the men here (when I am not boiling at them). I think, my God, these men never even had the chance to develop self-control. Nobody ever taught them that it could be possible. As a result they become complete captives of their sexual lusts. They are raised from day one to somehow think that their sexual appetites are something that are impossible to control, and in any case shouldn't be controlled. It may have been different in the past, and this may not be what parents are directly teaching their boys, but that's the message they are getting.
And therefore, women should stay inside. You see it's their own fault if they go in the street and get attacked, because men have no self-control. But even this "solution" misses the deep dark secret that many Egyptian girls and women are being molested by their own male family members. They don't even have to go outside. So, what's a woman to do then? Obviously, there is no end to this problem by putting the blame on women. Where else can they go, how much more can they cover, how much further away can they hide themselves? Men will still get to them and abuse them no matter what, so long as men believe that self-control is not their own responsibility.
Are their animal desires completely masters of them? Do you not find this a sad thing? What a piteous state for these men to be ensnared in. Do you not think so? Every ounce of humanity is stripped from them because their animal desires are allowed to run rampant, and not just rampant but the fires of it are being fueled on a regular basis (yes, I'm talking about porn, which almost every Egyptian man is addicted to). These men are so consumed by the baser nature of man that they have lost their dignity and even the right to be called human.
I do think it is very grave. And I do feel sad for the men. I wonder if they had been taught that they can control their urges (just like most of us are potty trained and so on), then they actually might. It's this insidious belief that creeps in and has spread that men are not able to control themselves, so they don't. And I think when you have let yourself live out of the bounds of control for so long, it's not an easy thing to learn.
This does not mean I don't believe in modesty. But the thing is, modesty is a matter of intention and motive. Modesty is not what you're wearing, or covering your head or staying at home. Everyone knows that a veil will not stop a woman from seducing a man if that is her intention. Even a woman in a full black veil still puts eyeliner on and can still walk sexy and try to be a sexual object. So, it's completely irrelevant what she's wearing. If she is meaning to be decent, and that is her pure intention, then that's what counts. And that's all she is answerable to God for. But the men, are they not accountable too? Does this thought never cross their minds?
Friday, November 03, 2006
Not shocked by the Eid sex mob
I was reading other blogs and comments made about the Eid sexual attacks by the mobs in downtown area, and I feel I have to post on this issue. I am not at all shocked by what happened. This kind of behavior is nothing new at all in Egypt, as any woman can tell you. Most men here are involved in some kind of sexual harassment of women, whether it's "harmless" car beeps and comments or outright sexual assault. And we all know about the psychology of mob mentality, how it brings out the worst in people, so why are we surprised at what happened? Outraged, obviously, but surprised?
What can you really expect to happen these days when every sexual crime appears to go unpunished? Millions of Egyptian men are sexually harassing women on a daily basis. This is nothing new at all. Why are we not outraged at that? That is the bigger truth of the matter.
You know, since I've come to Egypt I have changed. I used to be somewhat unaware of my surroundings, but now?? I am so hypersensitive, I know who is around me and how far away they are. I notice someone on the other side of the street. I am constantly calculating the best way to pass, not because I want to avoid puddles or garbage or other obstacles. But to avoid any man coming into my 2 meter radius. I do not care if it appears rude or paranoid. I dont care if it offends anyone. I see a man coming and I move out of their way. I am sure any other woman living in Egypt knows what I'm talking about.
I don't think anyone can explain what it feels like if you haven't experienced it. The gross, perverted stares by almost every man in the street, or balcony or car. The filthy, lust-filled comments from countless beady-eyed men. The men who grab you when you walk by. The men who "bump" into you by "accident". (How many accidents could there really be? I will tell you. Almost as many as there are men walking by, that's how many.)
Every time I am stuck having to walk too close to a passing man, especially group of men, my heart starts hammering, adrenalin pumping, ready for anything to happen. And happen it does, and has, and will continue to do.
I have been stalked and grabbed, I have been threatened, men have opened their pants at me, in FRONT ON MY DAUGHTER. Countless men have tried to pick me up, many have followed me home, many have masturbated while following me. Many have grabbed my butt. Boys on bicycles have tried to intimidate me. Boys have even thrown rocks at me. Taxis have tried to abduct me (I jumped out when they stopped at the intersection). Men prank callers harass me when they realize its a female answering the phone. Men honk and stop their cars in front of me and then wonder why I don't get in with them. They even tried to do this when I was eight months pregnant. One man grabbed me from the back by the neck and started feeling me and trying to kiss my mouth. I elbowed him in the neck and ran away. Other men stop their cars, get out and start masturbating in my path. This was done in front of my daughter once as well. Nevermind the everyday nasty comments they say. This is so commonplace that no one even thinks to mention it anymore. This is not even in "bad" areas. No, this happens everywhere. Most of these incidents happened in Sheraton area of Heliopolis. But it can happen anywhere.
And lets not forget the men in the internet cafes, gathering around late at night, 3 or 4 to a computer to sit and watch porn. They fill their heads with this stuff, until it consumes them and that seems to be all the think about.
I am NOT saying every Egyptian man does this. I am not generalizing here. There ARE decent men around, and I have come across a few. But I am saying that the majority have something seriously wrong with them when it comes to this issue. This is my experience. This is all my friends' experience. This is veiled womens' experience. This is Egyptian women's experience. This is why I am not shocked by what happened. But I continue to be outraged. I continue to feel incensed. And I continue to believe that it can change. I am ever a hopeful person. Otherwise how could I continue to endure what I endure every day?
What can you really expect to happen these days when every sexual crime appears to go unpunished? Millions of Egyptian men are sexually harassing women on a daily basis. This is nothing new at all. Why are we not outraged at that? That is the bigger truth of the matter.
You know, since I've come to Egypt I have changed. I used to be somewhat unaware of my surroundings, but now?? I am so hypersensitive, I know who is around me and how far away they are. I notice someone on the other side of the street. I am constantly calculating the best way to pass, not because I want to avoid puddles or garbage or other obstacles. But to avoid any man coming into my 2 meter radius. I do not care if it appears rude or paranoid. I dont care if it offends anyone. I see a man coming and I move out of their way. I am sure any other woman living in Egypt knows what I'm talking about.
I don't think anyone can explain what it feels like if you haven't experienced it. The gross, perverted stares by almost every man in the street, or balcony or car. The filthy, lust-filled comments from countless beady-eyed men. The men who grab you when you walk by. The men who "bump" into you by "accident". (How many accidents could there really be? I will tell you. Almost as many as there are men walking by, that's how many.)
Every time I am stuck having to walk too close to a passing man, especially group of men, my heart starts hammering, adrenalin pumping, ready for anything to happen. And happen it does, and has, and will continue to do.
I have been stalked and grabbed, I have been threatened, men have opened their pants at me, in FRONT ON MY DAUGHTER. Countless men have tried to pick me up, many have followed me home, many have masturbated while following me. Many have grabbed my butt. Boys on bicycles have tried to intimidate me. Boys have even thrown rocks at me. Taxis have tried to abduct me (I jumped out when they stopped at the intersection). Men prank callers harass me when they realize its a female answering the phone. Men honk and stop their cars in front of me and then wonder why I don't get in with them. They even tried to do this when I was eight months pregnant. One man grabbed me from the back by the neck and started feeling me and trying to kiss my mouth. I elbowed him in the neck and ran away. Other men stop their cars, get out and start masturbating in my path. This was done in front of my daughter once as well. Nevermind the everyday nasty comments they say. This is so commonplace that no one even thinks to mention it anymore. This is not even in "bad" areas. No, this happens everywhere. Most of these incidents happened in Sheraton area of Heliopolis. But it can happen anywhere.
And lets not forget the men in the internet cafes, gathering around late at night, 3 or 4 to a computer to sit and watch porn. They fill their heads with this stuff, until it consumes them and that seems to be all the think about.
I am NOT saying every Egyptian man does this. I am not generalizing here. There ARE decent men around, and I have come across a few. But I am saying that the majority have something seriously wrong with them when it comes to this issue. This is my experience. This is all my friends' experience. This is veiled womens' experience. This is Egyptian women's experience. This is why I am not shocked by what happened. But I continue to be outraged. I continue to feel incensed. And I continue to believe that it can change. I am ever a hopeful person. Otherwise how could I continue to endure what I endure every day?
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Road or car repair shop?
The other day an Egyptian woman I work with was asking what happened to the people in this country. She was reminising about the days when young people would step aside to let their elders pass and so on. She says now they just push her out of their way very disrespectfully.
And there we have it. Respect! This is what's missing. All sense of respect is disappearing so quickly. Look at the way people drive. Nobody cares about anyone else on the road, let alone remembers that there are supposed to be something called traffic laws. People complain about the traffic all the time and even have fights over it. And yet, at the end of the day they seem to accept it as normal. Why should it be normal that someone is driving at you from the wrong direction on a one-way road? They might even be so bold as to honk at you and make YOU back up so they can get through. Why is this normal? Sometimes they just tell you something in Arabic that basically means "Sorry, I know I'm wrong, but just give me a chance this time." Why should I? Why should I be an accomplice to their crimes? Crimes that are causing ME to have to wait because THEY didn't want to take the U-turn in the first place. Why do I, the one who is following the traffic laws have to go out of my way to help them? And they REALLY wonder why I am such a party pooper (or actually why my husband is). Sometimes he stops the car in front of a car coming at him from the wrong direction on the highway and forces them to go around. This brings only mild feelings of satisfaction. The best thing in the world to me now is when I see the clamp put on a car that has parked where it shouldn't.
There is no respect for the law, and that is now translating into no respect for other people either. I feel like I'm on the edge of completely snapping sometimes, and I know where road rage can come from.
Sometimes, in my 2 hour commute home everyday I just can't count another second on my watch. You are stopped in traffic. Why? Because someone decided to use the middle of the road as a car repair shop. Their hood is open and they are so self-righteously innocent and 'feel sorry for me and my situation' in their attitude. (Who ever heard of pulling the car over to the side of the road? Why would I do that?) Then you can't pass the turtle car in front of you on the bridge because he's taking two lanes. You try to flash your lights at him. No response. You honk. Complete deaf ear. So you just fume silently to yourself. (Who knew that I was supposed to stick to the right lane if I'm slow?) Or at night you can't get through on Salah Salem, not because of too many cars on the road. No, it's because someone decided to do their wedding in the island in the middle of the road. And every single car has to stop and gawk. So you're stuck.
These things AREn't acceptable! Why does everyone take it so placidly? A man crosses the road without looking. Taxi slams on his breaks. Man either ignores the whole thing and continues his meandering pace. OR he actually stops in his tracks and starts insulting the taxi (who actually just saved his life).
What is this? Why the apathy? This is what allows this kind of driving to go on. This condones it. Because everyone accepts it so calmly. Maybe if a few more people cared, it wouldn't be so bad.
And there we have it. Respect! This is what's missing. All sense of respect is disappearing so quickly. Look at the way people drive. Nobody cares about anyone else on the road, let alone remembers that there are supposed to be something called traffic laws. People complain about the traffic all the time and even have fights over it. And yet, at the end of the day they seem to accept it as normal. Why should it be normal that someone is driving at you from the wrong direction on a one-way road? They might even be so bold as to honk at you and make YOU back up so they can get through. Why is this normal? Sometimes they just tell you something in Arabic that basically means "Sorry, I know I'm wrong, but just give me a chance this time." Why should I? Why should I be an accomplice to their crimes? Crimes that are causing ME to have to wait because THEY didn't want to take the U-turn in the first place. Why do I, the one who is following the traffic laws have to go out of my way to help them? And they REALLY wonder why I am such a party pooper (or actually why my husband is). Sometimes he stops the car in front of a car coming at him from the wrong direction on the highway and forces them to go around. This brings only mild feelings of satisfaction. The best thing in the world to me now is when I see the clamp put on a car that has parked where it shouldn't.
There is no respect for the law, and that is now translating into no respect for other people either. I feel like I'm on the edge of completely snapping sometimes, and I know where road rage can come from.
Sometimes, in my 2 hour commute home everyday I just can't count another second on my watch. You are stopped in traffic. Why? Because someone decided to use the middle of the road as a car repair shop. Their hood is open and they are so self-righteously innocent and 'feel sorry for me and my situation' in their attitude. (Who ever heard of pulling the car over to the side of the road? Why would I do that?) Then you can't pass the turtle car in front of you on the bridge because he's taking two lanes. You try to flash your lights at him. No response. You honk. Complete deaf ear. So you just fume silently to yourself. (Who knew that I was supposed to stick to the right lane if I'm slow?) Or at night you can't get through on Salah Salem, not because of too many cars on the road. No, it's because someone decided to do their wedding in the island in the middle of the road. And every single car has to stop and gawk. So you're stuck.
These things AREn't acceptable! Why does everyone take it so placidly? A man crosses the road without looking. Taxi slams on his breaks. Man either ignores the whole thing and continues his meandering pace. OR he actually stops in his tracks and starts insulting the taxi (who actually just saved his life).
What is this? Why the apathy? This is what allows this kind of driving to go on. This condones it. Because everyone accepts it so calmly. Maybe if a few more people cared, it wouldn't be so bad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
